TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from location. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have A different position where by American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply All people a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he should really stop applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You understand, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person Trump Tower Damascus @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have change-down company."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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